Oh, my first born. We were both in a whole, new world when you took your first breath. I was just a child myself, but boy, did I know with all my heart just how much I wanted you.
That was what motherhood was like for me with my first born. All of the above times 57.
We brought you home from the hospital after an emergency c-section. I was supposed to have you naturally, but my body failed you. I had branded the notion in my brain that I was going to nurse you, and I failed at that, too. I barely slept, but when I did, I woke up crying frantically, multiple times a night. I didn't even have the energy to hold you for longer than it took to feed you your bottle and burp you. I'm sorry.
I had my own idea of what motherhood would be like. Not much to go by, not much input from friends or family, so I had tunnel vision. You know, when you are so excited about something, but you don't have all the details or much knowledge at all, so you form your own ideas and expectations about what's to come? Then it comes, and you are left there confused, alone, angry, disappointed, heartbroken, even.
If not for one conversation with an old friend, who knows where we would be? Postpartum Depression, they said. I called the doctor, I took the medicine, I expected it to all be over, but it definitely wasn't. I would get irritated when you'd cry, but you were only a baby. That's how you let me know that you needed me, and I was just there, being angry with you. I always felt dirty. Spit up, dirty diapers, slobber, on top of the lack of ability to shower most days. Before you, I showered twice a day. How am I supposed to feel when everything has changed so drastically? I'm so sorry.
My arms were always in a state of exhaustion from having to hold you, because when I put you down, you'd just cry. I couldn't handle the crying, or I would cry, too. There was no happy medium. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.
I am so, very sorry my sweet baby.
Getting through that part of our lives was one of the darkest chapters I've ever had, but it was never your fault. I didn't know what I was doing, and you didn't ask to be brought into this world. I begged God for you - I needed a purpose. That's what I prayed for. I needed a purpose to be alive, and you gave that to me. Eight years into this motherhood gig, and I still think about it every single day when I look at you. I should've held you longer. I should've read the 'Motherhood for Dummies' books and known what PPD was so I could've prepared, and you wouldn't have gotten the worst version of momma. I should have done so many things differently, and I am sorry.
The most beautiful thing happened over time, though.
I healed me. I healed myself while I raised you into a sweet, caring, thoughtful, full-of-life boy. You don't even remember how badly I was hurting, and how I wasn't the best momma that I could have been. You look at me every single day, and you tell me you love me. You hug me and give me forehead kisses, and you come find me for bedtime prayers. You know I'm going to feed you, bathe you, provide for you - you never think of me as a pitiful, sad momma. I don't take any of that for granted.
I, like so many others, wish there was a time machine so I could go back knowing everything that I know now. I would never lay you down. I would never get angry at you for needing me. I would hold you so much longer. That isn't possible, so I will lay beside you and scratch your back while you watch Scooby-Doo. I'll let you sit on my lap anytime you want. I'll kiss your sweet, freckled cheeks every day, so you know how much I'm sorry without me having to tell you. I will let my "I Love You's" be my "I'm Sorry's".
I love you, my Raleigh Noah. ♡
If you are struggling with feelings like these during your pregnancy or postpartum, please talk to your doctor. If you need an advocate or support, please send me a message or contact me on social media. I will help you, and we will get you through it. You are never alone, and I mean it.
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Taylor ♡
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God bless you and thanks for offering to help others!! That’s amazing!!